


butterflies

by calamaticsporks



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-08
Updated: 2018-02-08
Packaged: 2019-03-15 06:40:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13607727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calamaticsporks/pseuds/calamaticsporks





	butterflies

Yamaguchi was at a crossroads and whichever path he chose would most definitely ruin someone's life. 

He sighed, risking a glance out the window of his classroom as the teacher droned on about plate tectonics. If he’d had a choice, he wouldn't have been in this awful situation. But since he could barely control anything- not even the ball at volleyball practice- he had said nothing and swallowed his feelings. The petite, smiling blonde popped into his head again and his heart quickened.

_ Do I confess to Yachi, risk rejection and ruin both our lives? _

Yachi was so sweet; it would be so hard for her to let him down. She’d probably feel awful. Maybe even as awful as Yamaguchi felt. And he didn't want anything like that for her.

_ Or do I say nothing and ruin only mine? _

At the time, the choice had been clear. Yamaguchi would get over it, eventually- Yachi didn't deserve something like that holding her down. It was at times like this that Yamaguchi wondered if things would have been different if he had just fallen for someone he wouldn't feel guilty about confessing to.

He had decided to ignore the fluttering of his heart when Yachi looked his way during practice. He’d move on. Things like this didn't last.

_ I’ll get over it. I’ll get over it. I’ll get over it.  _ These words repeated themselves in Yamaguchi’s head over and over again, all while he botched serve after serve.

 

Back then, when Yachi had first joined the volleyball club, Yamaguchi had thought she was cute, but he never thought that he would be stuck in this situation, probably until they graduated. If he managed to keep quiet for three years, they would never see each other again. Yamaguchi would be free. 

Or- Yamaguchi would fall out of love, and silently pick up his life. Nobody would know.

He was really hoping for the latter.

 

Now, he isn't sure how to feel. There might be a chance that Yachi doesn't reject him- they can both be happy. But he lets his low self esteem get the better of him yet again. He assures himself that either way, Yachi will be better off not knowing. 

So, he tries to avoid her the best he can. It’s better for both of us, he tells himself. He smothers his feelings and waits for them to die. He waits until he can resume his life again, without thinking of her every single morning and night.

 

Eventually, he makes the decision to minimize contact with her. Why make it worse for himself? Besides, there were other people more deserving of her attention during practice. Honestly, he wasn't even that important. He was there as a pinch server, and he had let down the team too much for his liking; even though they assured him that everybody makes mistakes.

You can't control your mistakes, they said. Him falling in love was proof of that.

 

It gets better when Yamaguchi doesn't go near her. He doesn't need a constant reminder that his life is slowly falling out of place, only because of his feelings. She might have noticed. He certainly wanted to know if she did or not, but he didn't trust himself to not royally screw things up. 

Yachi Hitoka, despite being 150 centimeters, belonged on the list of people to be cautious around.

 

Unfortunately, it wasn't long before his teammates noticed his jitteriness. 

“Yamaguchi, have you been feeling alright lately?”

“Yamaguchi, do you need some water? You aren’t looking too well.”

He was fine with the constant pestering, always giving the same excuse- “I’m just tired.”

He never thought Yachi would notice. All they really ever did was nod or say hi to each other.

 

So he was caught by surprise when she ran up to him on a Thursday afternoon after practice.

“Yamaguchi-”

“I’m  _ fine. _ ” Yamaguchi said, too quickly. Before he could think his decisions through, he turned sharply on his heel and speed walked away.

 

Yachi left him alone after that. Yamaguchi didn't know whether to cry or smile. Sure, he didn't have his problem anymore, but he had lost the thing that  _ might have  _ made him happy. 

Perhaps it was the overthinking that made him feel sick to his stomach; he cursed himself on not being able to  _ just let things go.  _ Yachi hadn’t said anything but his name before his stupid reflexes cut her off. She could have been telling him anything. A problem she needed help with, even something she had noticed about how his serves were getting better.

He didn't think his serves were getting, better, of course. But then again, he also thought Yachi didn't care about him.

Somehow, he knew he had ruined something before it started.

 

Everything was ‘alright’ for a month. Yamaguchi still felt his heart wrench when Yachi looked his way, but nothing happened. Nobody noticed his internal struggle. He had successfully masked his feelings, and nobody would know any better.

That was his first mistake. Yachi knew him better than he thought, and his self-doubt had once again clouded his judgemental skills.

 

It was Wednesday afternoon, after practice. Yamaguchi was walking alone, earbuds in. A voice cut through the calming melody of his music.

“Yamaguchi- wait-”

Yachi didn't mean any harm. But for someone as skittish as Yamaguchi, that moment would have been too nerve-wracking. Especially considering his feelings. 

 

So, for the tenth time that week, he bolted, ignoring his common sense telling him to stop.

It was over by the time he thought he lost her- figuratively and literally. He came to a halt on the side of the road, already feeling sick to his stomach as he sat down on a park swing.  _ Why? Why? Why am I like this? It's done, you screwed it up, she hates you. She hates you. She hates you.  _

He sat, silently, crumbling on the inside as a flow of words repeated themselves in his head.

_ You messed it up.  _

_ You’ll never even be friends ever again. _

_ There's no fixing this. _

_ This is your fault. _

He was so absorbed in his thoughts, blotting out everything else, that he failed to notice the soft pattering footsteps belonging to Yachi come up behind him.

So he was caught by surprise when she grabbed his wrist.

“Yamaguchi-” She sat down on the swing next to him, still holding his wrist, out of breath.

They sat in silence, Yachi looking at him for answers, Yamaguchi staring at the clouds blocking the sun, an accurate representation of his own self doubt blocking his true feelings.

“I’m sorry.”

“Why?” Yachi said softly. 

Yamaguchi winced internally, suddenly becoming aware of the hand on his wrist. He wanted to run away and stay at the same time.

“Because I like you,” He blurted before he could stop himself. “And I wanted to stay away so I wouldn’t- I don't know- uh-” He stuttered.  _ Ah. Crap. Why did I say that?  _ He flushed red, pulling his hand away, ready to bolt again. 

“Yamaguchi..” She said. Her voice sounded distant. Yamaguchi dropped his gaze to the brown wood chips under his feet.

_ Don't,  _ he wanted to say.  _ Don't waste your breath rejecting me. I know your answer, I’ll just go, and we can pretend this never happened- _

“You are an idiot.” Yachi smiled softly, leaning closer.

 

They say that you should never become so blind with love that you can't think straight. You should be able to make decisions without bringing your feelings into it. The exact opposite was currently running through Yamaguchi’s head.

 

Ironically, the butterflies in his stomach went away as their lips met.


End file.
